It's been 2 weeks since my father passed away and not a day goes by that I still go speechless when asked how I'm doing. I've been told numerous times that I need to look after my mother, but who's to look after me? I have Joshua, but my mother is being selfish with my time. Where I understand her want to not be alone, I like to mourn and grieve alone. Therefore, I'm not brave for going back the work "sooner than expected" or strong for going out in public throughout his whole sickness, I'm kind of a coward for keeping busy and not truly dealing with the whole situation.
I cried the day he died finding out the news. Then again seeing his body lay in the hospice bed slowly turning cold. The day after, tears fell as we visited him at the funeral home still laying on the embalming table. And the day of the funeral, listening to everyone's great memories of him, stories about how he would tell them nice things about me and hearing (because I refused to go in the crematorium) mother push the button to start the process of cremation - I lost it. My eyes still well up when talking about him or hearing about him now, but I don't feel like I've fully processed this event happening right now.
I can fathom the fact that every family dinner he will no longer be there. No more random gestures to show me that he loves me, whether it be a text invite to come visit or lunch money that I obviously no longer need. Thoughts of having children isn't the same without him. He won't physically be here to play with them, watch them grow and teach them Vietnamese.
How do I move forward in my life from here? No one has given me a good answer that I can follow. Over time, I will be okay, but never the same. A part of my heart is missing, but I know I have one of the best guardian angels.
I cried the day he died finding out the news. Then again seeing his body lay in the hospice bed slowly turning cold. The day after, tears fell as we visited him at the funeral home still laying on the embalming table. And the day of the funeral, listening to everyone's great memories of him, stories about how he would tell them nice things about me and hearing (because I refused to go in the crematorium) mother push the button to start the process of cremation - I lost it. My eyes still well up when talking about him or hearing about him now, but I don't feel like I've fully processed this event happening right now.
I can fathom the fact that every family dinner he will no longer be there. No more random gestures to show me that he loves me, whether it be a text invite to come visit or lunch money that I obviously no longer need. Thoughts of having children isn't the same without him. He won't physically be here to play with them, watch them grow and teach them Vietnamese.
How do I move forward in my life from here? No one has given me a good answer that I can follow. Over time, I will be okay, but never the same. A part of my heart is missing, but I know I have one of the best guardian angels.
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