Think of You

I had a dream last night that I wish I didn't. But I can't seem to stop thinking about this vivid dream. It makes me tear up because of how guilty I feel and I want to confess to something I know I didn't do and will never happen. Even knowing that it was all a dream, thinking about it seems more like a memory of an actual life event.

Many articles you read about dreams will tell you that when you dream, your subconscious is trying to give light to your true feelings and desires. If that is indeed fact, I want to runaway and hide to ensure that temptation will not overcome me. But I can't runaway, I NEED to be stronger than this apparent temptation.

What I will tell you is that the dream was sexual in nature, which is not normal for me. I'm not an overly sexual person. I still get uncomfortable at times just talking about the subject. Joshua, being the only person I've ever really experienced sex with, can vouch for me on that. When I think about this fact, my mind does tend to think what if? What if? - the worst question in existence that makes you doubt any decision you've ever made.

I always tell myself Josh is lucky that he was the first guy to ever claim me as his. Do I really think that? No. I'm definitely the lucky one due to the fact growing up I never had a real boyfriend or many guys to ever voice any kind of attraction to me. I can only remember one guy to ever actually ask me to be his girlfriend (the summer before college). And where that could have potentially been something, for me never experiencing any kind of relationship, I was honestly just scared and didn't know how to wrap my head around it. So of course I told him what every guy just loves to here, "I don't see you in that way, but I do like hanging out with you." I friendzoned him so badly, no wonder we never hung out or really talked again. Even just losing him as a friend was heartbreaking, but when I see pictures of the family he has made, I can't help but smile thinking he's exactly where and with who he should be.

This may be lame of me to admit, but I was scared when he asked me out because at the time, I still hadn't had my first kiss. Sounds stupid thinking back - like here's your silver platter but you're scared of what's being served, but what makes it even worse is that I know what it feels like to be rejected. The two guys I've ever came out to say "Hey, I like you" both turned me down - one of those being Joshua himself!

The other guy being one of my "ones who got away." Yes, I have three guys that I consider as ones who got away; don't judge, they're each from different stages of my life that I have led so far. And I know I technically can't call anyone that, but when a song about the subject comes on, they are who I think about. Since I've known Joshua since the 8th grade, he knows each of these guys in some form or fashion, and he should know he has nothing to worry about. With that said, between Joshua and these three guys...none of them were the subject of the shame-ridden dream I had.

I thought that by the end of this, I would convince myself that when I think of "you," it wouldn't be my dream version of you. This "what if" is the worst form of betrayal I will ever come across in my life. It will be an internal struggle that I will have to deal with every time you're around. I just hope that no one else notices...