My husband. God, love him! Don't get me wrong he is truly a good man, but he can really make or break my day.
We don't fight about much. Heck, I can't remember the last time we actually fought. Like most couples, we argue about finances. You're lying if you don't admit that you and your significant other don't squabble every now and then about that.
But Joshua and I have a special relationship. Every relationship is special; I'm just quite fond of ours :) I always knew I would end up with someone that I knew growing up. For a while, I had my doubts, but Joshua decided to give it a shot after he initially shot me down (wah, wah!). Since we knew each other very well before dating, we were there for each other during some rough growing pains. And where we don't fight about his growing pains, it definitely upsets me every time it comes up.
Sometimes I question if I'm a good wife due to getting defensive when it comes to his past. I shouldn't resent him for it by any means, but I wonder about how much easier it would be to be with someone who doesn't already have a child. Even though he has no legal rights, I know his daughter will always have a place in his heart, possibly bigger than the space that I fill.
He hasn't had to deal with the struggle of being a teen dad, but he had to deal with loving a child from afar. He loves this little girl and she doesn't even know he exists. It's kind of like a celebrity crush - the thought of meeting them face to face, them using your name in conversation, being able to say you actually know them.
We talk about kids. A lot more, here lately. I'm completely scared about it all. The thought of carrying life inside of me, but more of the relationship Joshua will have with our children. I know he will love them, but thinking about the possibility of her showing up at our doorstep one day and him wanting to be more of a father to her because he wants to make up for lost time terrifies me. I'm aware that there is also a possibility where she doesn't care who her birth father is; who's to say what is to happen though?
Even if Joshua and I were to have a kid by the exact time I'm wanting, she'll be 18 and our child will only be 9. How petrified would you be if a stranger shows up and your parents tell you that this stranger is your sister? I don't hate her for existing. I don't hate her at all. I love her because I love her father. I do, however, wish I didn't know the whole back story of her mother and wasn't there for Joshua through it all. If finances isn't the reason for Joshua and I not being forever, she's to blame - and this time it's for just existing.
My pessimism is not a very likeable characteristic, and I hope that one day I can overcome the negativity to be the good wife that my good man deserves.
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